Spiraling
by Momma-Ran
Summary: Creek. Sometimes I hate him because I hurt so much. But I only hate him cause I love him and he hurts me. Do I deserve to be hurt? I don't think so but apparently someone does.
1. Chapter 1

I wonder if I made a mistake?  
I feel sick. Like my body is poisoned. My limbs ache. My organs are twisted into knots. My scars are stretching. I can't stop shaking. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm hungry but I can't eat. I forgot how much depression hurts. How did I manage to get through it the other times?  
In a way I want to find someone new. Someone better. But I don't think it gets better than what I have now. I could date someone else. Maybe that guy who says hi to me whenever we see each other. But I don't really want him. I want Craig.  
Except that he's been lying to me about Clyde. "I will have zero contact with him physically or electronically" or something to that effect. But he's been talking to him all the time. And he wants to date Thomas. He tells him he's pretty; he used to tell me that but he doesn't anymore (after a while he would probably be as depressed as me). I wonder if he would date him just for his perfect ass.  
Craig is an asshole. A fucking jackass crotch dog. I know I told Thomas I'm okay if he uses me, but I'm not. I lied. I lied because I want him.  
I have horrible taste in males; like mom and my grandma. Sometimes I hate him because I hurt so much. But I only hate him cause I love him and he hurts me. Do I deserve to be hurt? I don't think so but apparently someone does.  
I wish I knew what to do. I don't want to lose Craig but if we break up again I'm never getting with him again. Not that it matters to him. He has Thomas to fuck. And if not Thomas then Clyde or Kenny (because I'm sure he finds him desirable) or Kyle. Or some fifth person I don't know about. In other words, he has backups.  
Maybe I'm just being selfish. Maybe I should just let him go fuck whoever he wants. He would appreciate his new found freedom, I'm sure.  
I already know what will happen if I let him read this. After all, he has an excuse for everything. He's the one who told me that. It disturbed me then and it disturbs me now.  
That's kind of a below the belt thing. Way below the belt. Its a low blow and does absolutely nothing for my already-low-self-esteem. Obviously I'm not good enough for him. God my ass.

Tweek jumps at the sound of the front door opening. Quickly he closes his diary and buries it in a drawer filled with notebooks, somewhere near the bottom. He takes out his school notebook and flips it open to a random page and stares at the words as Craig comes in. The noirette glances at him – Tweek can see his reflection on a shiny plastic pencil box on the desk – then continues on his way. "Hey babe." Tweek wants to cry and it takes all his strength to hold in the tears.

"H-Hi." he barely breathes. Craig doesn't seem to notice anything unusual. Maybe because this isn't unusual at all. They have been at odds with each other for so long; at least it feels that way to Tweek. At least he's talking to me today, Tweek thinks grimly and it almost sends him into sobs.

But Tweek can't cry; he refuses to in front of his boyfriend. So he will wait until he is in the shower or until Craig is asleep. "Hey, I'm going out for a while to Kenny's house." Craig is out the door before he can nod. It looks like he won't have to wait to let the tears fall. When he is sure Craig is long gone Tweek lets out a choked sob and buries his face in his hands.


	2. Chapter 2

Tweek only jacks off in the shower. He loves the feeling of the water pounding against him and how slick his skin gets. Its the only time when he doesn't feel completely disgusting and ugly. Tweek starts off his shower getting clean as quickly and thoroughly as possible. And then his favorite part begins. Sometimes this is the only thing he has to look forward to.

He leaves his dick untouched for now, brushing a finger over a soft nipple. It always surprises him how much softer this part of his skin is than the rest. The action sends a bolt of pleasure down to his nether regions. His finger circles his nipple, just barely brushing it, for a while and then he gently pinches it. The pink peak is not so peakish at the moment in spite of the attention he's giving it. So he switches to the right one.

The bolts of electric pleasure come faster, stronger. Tweek's eyelids slide half closed and he plays with his nipple – rubbing, squeezing, pinching, ghosting over it – until it becomes borderline painful to touch it. He glances over at the left one the angles himself so that the stream of water hits him in just the right way on its way down to the drain. The first time he did that it was an accident, but since then he has done it pretty much every night and damn does it feel good. Without him touching it, the soft flesh hardens and constant streams of pleasure rocket downwards. Tweek enjoys the sensation until his other needs are screaming for him to address them.

His right hand trembles on its way down to wrap around his hardening member. The smooth warm skin is slick against Tweek's palm and he slides his hand along his length. He inhales slowly and lets it out as a long sigh. His body fascinates him to no end – but only like this in the shower, which is probably why he only jacks off in the water – and he likes to take his time while exploring it. Tweek ghosts his fingers down to the base and then back up to the tip of his dick. This is repeated with more pressure added each time.

His legs begin to shake. When things start to look kind of contrasty, Tweek increases his speed. Two minutes later he sees black and the pleasure that was becoming painful is released all at once. There is no cry of release or pleasure. Instead his mouth was open in a soundless moan. Even alone in his apartment Tweek doesn't make any noise.

Just as Tweek turns the shower off he hears the front door open and close. There aren't any voices, so he knows that Craig is alone. Tweek leans against the wall, his body trembling with emotions unnamed. He watches water slide down his chest, pause at his stiff nipple, and then drip off it. His ears strain to hear Craig's footsteps as the noirette walks around the apartment, probably checking Tweek's usual hiding places. Finally they come to a stop outside the bathroom door and Tweek can't remember if he locked it or not.

Another thing the shower is good for it erasing the redness in his eyes and the sorrow on his face. But it becomes clear that the door is locked. "Tweek?" Tweek has half a mind to ignore him but he knows that will worry Craig. At least he hopes it would. Just to test this he doesn't answer.

Instead he counts the seconds before Craig says his name again. One. Two. Three. Four. "Tweek?"

At least he sounds somewhat worried. Tweek steps out of the shower and quickly dries off. Once he's sure he won't drip water onto the floor he wraps the towel around his lower half and answers the door. Craig is standing there with an unreadable expression on his face. He takes in Tweek's half nakedness but doesn't say anything and when Tweek looks he sees that there isn't even a flicker of lust in his boyfriend's eyes. Tweek tries his best not to look disappointed.

"Hi." He mutters. Craig mumbles the greeting back and pulls Tweek into a hug. The blonde is overwhelmed by the scents of sweat and sex. He ignores his first impulse to push Craig away and wraps his arms around him. This calls for another shower, he thinks grimly to himself.

At least Craig still touches him. Sometimes. Not like he used to. But its something, isn't it? Craig is the one to step away first and Tweek sorely misses his touch. "I'm getting in the shower."

Tweek nods, offers a small smile, and watches Craig lock the door behind him. He doesn't feel like getting dressed or having dinner or anything like that so he crawls into bed and curls up facing the bathroom door. Tears slide down his cheeks as sorrow clutches his heart. Why, he wonders. Why do you hate me so much? Of course no one answers.


	3. Chapter 3

_Lying naked in my bed listening to music and crying in the mostly dark. I want to go to a safe place. Where I can walk and sing and cry and scream and hurt myself. And I want someone to be waiting for me to get back who will pick up the pieces and make something new and beautiful.  
Sometimes it feels like I have no name; no identity.  
I understand wanting to rip your own heart out; but I would but rather rip the other persons heart out so that they can feel a fraction of the pain I do._

Tweek stares at the open page of his diary. His thoughts are all over the place. He doesn't really know where it all came from. They flit too quickly through his mind to really get a hold of them. "I have to get out of here." He says to no one.

With robotic movements Tweek stands. He grabs his shoes and keys and shoves the diary away. While Craig is gone Tweek is usually gone too. The blonde can't stand to stay still for too long and has a route he usually follows, going from store to store. Occasionally he goes to the convenience store Craig works at, and occasionally he sees the noir, but not really. Its just easier to avoid it so he doesn't get his hopes up.

And so they don't go crashing down when he sees that Craig's car isn't there when he said he was going to work. The thought makes a lump form in his throat but Tweek refuses to cry in public. Its hard to breathe this way, though. At least if he was crying he would have to gasp for breath. Or something. Instead he walks to a different store.

Tweek goes straight to the book section – even though he usually shakes too much to read for extended periods of time – and starts browsing. It takes less than five minutes because there isn't anything but vampire books. Apparently authors thought that they should copy that piece of shit Meyers somehow got published. What idiots. They should care more about writing a good book than making money.

Next he wanders around to the snack isle where he dreams about eating things he doesn't have the money for. Just as he's staring longingly at a box of cosmic brownies and considering buying them, he hears a voice. A loud somewhat familiar voice that normally Tweek would ignore...except he hears Craig's name. The blood rushes through his veins so quickly its almost a roar in his ears but he doesn't miss what Kyle says. "Mmm...I'm horny. Wish Craig was here cause he has such a big dick."

The box of cosmic brownies in Tweek's hands drops to the floor. His heart beats so slowly that he could have counted the seconds in between them. There's laughter and someone else says something but Tweek has only ears for the offender. "He fucked me so hard I cried." Craig...actually fucked Kyle? Tweek feels something shutting down inside him.

He already knew that Craig was fucking someone else. But having a name, knowing who it was, made it so much worse. So much more real. And yet the only thing he's thinking is, Kyle really is a fucking cumslut. Without picking up the brownies Tweek leaves the store. He has to talk to someone.

Tweek whips out his cell phone and txts Token. Token asks if he's sure, what he's going to do, and how it happened. If only Tweek knew the answers to the other questions. Then he proceeds to txt everything he knows to Token. Token tells him that he never thought Craig would do that. And advises Tweek to dump Craig.

Even though he always said that he would never tolerate cheating Tweek is finding himself reluctant. By the time night comes Tweek is furious. He feels a righteous divine rage towards his boyfriend and that little fucking slut. Tweek has never wanted to go out and bring a stranger home so that when Craig finally walks through the fucking door he'll find his boyfriend tangled in the sheets with a stranger but that's what he wants to do now. Revenge would be so sweet and payback so bitchy. All he would have to do is loan out his body for a night.

Of course there is no guarantee Craig will come home at all and Tweek would have to find someone. No, its not worth it. Besides, who knows what the hell that idiot would do. Tweek paces back and forth. His mind is turning but when Craig finally shows up Tweek has nothing to say to him. What he really wants to do is punch this asshole in the face and maybe kick him in the balls for good measure. Token had the great idea of gouging his eyes out with a spork.

By some miracle Craig senses Tweek's bad mood when he walks in the door. The noirette sits on his couch. Tweek is quivering with anger and is trying very hard not to lose his nerves. Eventually he sits beside Craig. "Whats wrong baby?" Tweek wants to really wants to punch him.

"So...Kyle was bragging about you." That's putting it lightly. Tweek kind of wishes he knew who Kyle was talking to. Craig raises an eyebrow but Tweek can see it in his eyes that he already knows whats coming. "About your big dick." No response.

Craig is looking away from him. It further angers Tweek but he keeps himself in check. A twisted smile graces his lips. "Not going to deny it?" He's being much braver than he thought he would be but Tweek knows he can't take much more of this. Craig crosses his arms and refuses to look at him still.

"I'd say I'm sorry but that's kind of old." Old doesn't begin to cover it and Tweek laughs at the stupidity of his boyfriend. Something turns cold inside him. Ex boyfriend in a few minutes. Craig doesn't even sound remotely sorry for fucking that bitch. Amusement sets in with the cold until he feels like the world's top bitch.

Tweek stands up and kisses Craig. "You can go now." His voice sounds overly cheery. Craig leaves without fighting. He doesn't say anything. And it really puts things into perspective for Tweek.

Something that was in his subconscious now rises to the surface. When Craig asked if Tweek believed him when he said 'I love you', Tweek didn't believe it. He wants to cry and break things but there's been enough of that already. He wants to do unspeakable things to both of them but that would cause more problems. In the end he sits down just beside the door. There are no tears but a huge hole in his world.


	4. Chapter 4

Tweek cries. He doesn't want to. He hates that he's shedding tears over someone who clearly doesn't care about him. Why doesn't Craig care about him? Why would he do this?

The blonde never knew true heartbreak. There is a reason it's called a heartbreak; because the heart feels like it's physically hurting. He lays doubled over on the floor of Craig's apartment. His treacherous mind wonders if they did it right here. Quickly Tweek yanks his face away from the carpet. Nauseousness suddenly appears.

Putting a pale hand over his mouth, Tweek tries not to throw up. Thinking about the two of them makes him ill. Just thinking about Craig naked, having sex at all, makes Tweek want to puke up whatever is in his stomach. "I have to get out of here." He groans. Even the smell of Craig in the small apartment is enough to have bile rising in the back of his throat.

So, feeling sick to his stomach and like he's got a massive hole in his chest, Tweek slips on his sneakers. He clips his keys to his belt loop and leaves the apartment. Fresh air doesn't make the blonde feel better. It just reminds him he doesn't have a jacket on and his thin flannel shirt can't keep out the cold of South Park. The wind makes the tears running down his face like ice.

Tweek quivers as much from his lack of control over his body as from the betrayal. A scream builds up but he shoves it back down. With a sleeve he rubs his eyes until they are dry. An overwhelming need to get out of his skin rises like a tidal wave. Sharp nails dig into his forearms. The blonde feels dirty.

He never knew how awful it is to be cheated on. Kyle's words ring in his ears, "fucked me so hard I cried." Part of Tweek thinks, was Craig that good? The other part thinks, what a bitch if he can't handle Craig. Tweek has been fucked so hard that breathing hurt. It is a bittersweet memory.

Unfortunately it also brings the disgust back. On the side of the abandoned road, Tweek drops to his knees and dry heaves. By the time he's finished tears are streaming down his flushed cheeks again. "I hate you." He mutters to the wind, referring to both it and Craig but mostly Craig. Stiffly he rises and continues walking.

At this moment he comes up with a decision: to never have sex again. Tweek can do it better by himself and sex is so gross. The dramatic change in attitude and thought somewhat surprises him. Previous to this he could have called himself a sex addict. "Well fuck him." And it brings on unwanted imagined images of Kyle and Craig.

After walking almost an hour, Tweek ends up in front of his parents house. The blonde doesn't like to think that Craig is probably only a few houses down with his parents but this is the only place Tweek has to go. "He's probably out fucking someone." Tweek hisses with a venom he's never heard in his voice before, "Whore." The blonde uses his key to open the front door.

It comes as no surprise that his parents are still awake. "Tweek! When did you get here? Are you staying the night?" His mother sprints towards him, the skids to a halt and kisses his forehead. She beams at her son, which just makes Tweek want to cry again.

"I'm fine. Just felt like coming home for a day or two." The youth mutters, eyes downcast. Both of his parents are absolutely overjoyed. It's been a while since Tweek last came home. Not for since he moved out several months ago.

After that greeting Tweek is suddenly left alone. He goes to his room, feels a pang of sorrow at how empty it looks. Sure, his bed is still there, but his dresser and book shelf and desk are all gone. The mattress is just as uncomfortable as he remembers. Looking around at what was his easy life, Tweek suddenly gives in to his tears once more. Curling up on the comforter, the blonde silently sobs himself to sleep.


End file.
